{2304 Reasons Not to Love Me}
There are exactly 1,152 things that must happen in order for one person to successfully fall in love with another. However, that only covers half of the equation. The same 1,152 things must happen concurrently for the second party (and one would hope vaguely in the same time frame.) So, by process of addition, there are 2,304 things that could keep two perfectly happy individuals from falling in love. Mind you that the difference between "perfectly happy" and "in love" is basically the difference between the Israeli's and the Palestinians. "Perfectly happy" is a term for art school graduate dropouts who work at Blicks and suburban housewives who's husbands bought the 2007 model instead of the 2008(and they suspect that the savings will be spent on that cute young secretary at his office, although they have no concrete proof). "Perfectly happy" is a term for people who are perfectly miserable, but would rather have the lifeforce drained from them drip by drip than just admit that there is most likely something or someone better out there for them."Perfectly happy" is a term for people who got married around reason 2227,and they will stay "perfectly happy" in it.
It's a strange hybrid of stockholm syndrome that I'm not sure I'll ever quite understand, but it's apparently very appealing to some people. I suppose it is comforting to know you're number one to someone else in the world, hell I spent a good part of my teenage life convinced I was going to die alone. A part of me still kind of is to be honest, but it feels less like a harsh oblivion now. It's more a slow and eventual progression that might not happen, but then again it might.
My name is Oliver Miller. That's not a name that rings fairy tale ending with wife,2.5 kids, and a turkey dinner on the table. It's a name that rings mediocrity. It's say normal and dull. It says "died alone in a studio apartment after suffocating on a discount chicken pot pie!",and especially when there are 2304 bridges to cross just for a word like "love" to even come into the picture, it becomes easier to taste.
Years ago an ex-girlfriend told me that she believed that humans are only capable of truly loving one other person. ONE. You may say "i love you" to more than one person in a life time (and believe me I have), and of course this doesn't account for family members and popular indie rock singers, but there is only ONE occasion when that statement will leave your mouth and have substance to another human being. I think about what she said every now and again, and I have to say, I pray to God it's not true.
There were thousands of reasons I've loved before. Madeline De Cleene, Rachel Penn, McKenzie Schuba, Erin Brown(although she was a bitch) and all the others were a part of my life for reasons. They came in and out on my movie, made their cameo's, and then whether it be by a sudden soap opera-esque death or a gradual decline in ratings, they all left and moved onto major roles in other films. They all hurt, and they all left their marks, but none of them got to that 1152nd Reason, and that's why I was eventually okay. Eventually okay until I met Christie Jackson. She was the one that got to me. She was the one that had I had 1152 Reasons to love, and there was only one reason why she didn't love me.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
{Reason 348: Waiting}
There is very little that can be said for waiting. It sucks. In fact, it is one of the absolutely most horrifying and unjust experience's that can befall any human in any form. Whether it be waiting in the Doctor's office, pondering what the other people in the lounge have or reading those stupid magazines that you really have no interest in whatsoever. Whether it be sitting in an office waiting room wondering what skills the ponce next to you has that will land him the job youre applying for, and eating little waiting room individually wrapped starbursts.
"Waiting Room." We have entire ROOMS devoted to it! This silly,annoying, little act. And we do it because we know that waiting is inevitable. It is understood that we as beings aren't that perfect, no we are far from it. We're late, we're off task, we're off track. Sometimes it's intentional and sometimes it isn't but it is well known that it will happen, and people accept it. Occasionally we try to improve habits. We set alarms and synchronize schedules. We choose fast food instead of the diner, but just as surely as Newton's apple hit the ground, we are a perpetually late species. So we accept waiting.
And we accept waiting rooms and Weekend Fun Magazine's and Guess-Who's-Got-What And Value Meals and Gravity.
Maybe that's why I accept waiting for Christie so openly.Because I have an understanding that just like death, waiting is inevitable. Although I'm not so sure yet which is worse.
At the same time, I can see now that this is different. Back when I was with McKenzie, everytime I went out I found myself looking around rooms. It wasn't like when you entered a crowded bar and tried to find your friends or anything, it was just looking.I felt like a secret agent and every time I entered a room I immediately needed to scope out each individual, identify threats, and then formulate a plan of action. Except I had no idea what the plan of action was because I had no idea why I fucking kept looking around for someone I didn't even know! One night I was meeting McKenzie at a busier club up on Huron, and even then when I had finally found her and her friends at the bar I still was randomly searching. She finally commented on it one night, and half-yelled at me, accusing me of oodling other women. We had been going out about 3 months at that point, and that's when I realized that we'd be done in another. She was great,and I liked her, but my relationship with her had pushed me into a hole that I haden't thought even existed. I was content, but not happy. And I was happy, but not content. Here I was in this perfectly normal, perfectly adequate, perfectly reasonable relationship and I fucking hated it! I was waiting all over again! Waiting for something that wasn't apparent to me, except this time the relationship had become the waiting room, but there weren't any fun guessing games to play or extrinsic articles about kayaking. and that's why I kept looking around rooms, because I was waiting for something different.
There was just a girl who's heart I knew I was going to have to break, and it sucked. But reason 348 of any successful relationship is that you should never search around a room for as long as I did once you've found the person you were looking for. It's the first sign she's not in fact, the one that you are looking for.
"Waiting Room." We have entire ROOMS devoted to it! This silly,annoying, little act. And we do it because we know that waiting is inevitable. It is understood that we as beings aren't that perfect, no we are far from it. We're late, we're off task, we're off track. Sometimes it's intentional and sometimes it isn't but it is well known that it will happen, and people accept it. Occasionally we try to improve habits. We set alarms and synchronize schedules. We choose fast food instead of the diner, but just as surely as Newton's apple hit the ground, we are a perpetually late species. So we accept waiting.
And we accept waiting rooms and Weekend Fun Magazine's and Guess-Who's-Got-What And Value Meals and Gravity.
Maybe that's why I accept waiting for Christie so openly.Because I have an understanding that just like death, waiting is inevitable. Although I'm not so sure yet which is worse.
At the same time, I can see now that this is different. Back when I was with McKenzie, everytime I went out I found myself looking around rooms. It wasn't like when you entered a crowded bar and tried to find your friends or anything, it was just looking.I felt like a secret agent and every time I entered a room I immediately needed to scope out each individual, identify threats, and then formulate a plan of action. Except I had no idea what the plan of action was because I had no idea why I fucking kept looking around for someone I didn't even know! One night I was meeting McKenzie at a busier club up on Huron, and even then when I had finally found her and her friends at the bar I still was randomly searching. She finally commented on it one night, and half-yelled at me, accusing me of oodling other women. We had been going out about 3 months at that point, and that's when I realized that we'd be done in another. She was great,and I liked her, but my relationship with her had pushed me into a hole that I haden't thought even existed. I was content, but not happy. And I was happy, but not content. Here I was in this perfectly normal, perfectly adequate, perfectly reasonable relationship and I fucking hated it! I was waiting all over again! Waiting for something that wasn't apparent to me, except this time the relationship had become the waiting room, but there weren't any fun guessing games to play or extrinsic articles about kayaking. and that's why I kept looking around rooms, because I was waiting for something different.
There was just a girl who's heart I knew I was going to have to break, and it sucked. But reason 348 of any successful relationship is that you should never search around a room for as long as I did once you've found the person you were looking for. It's the first sign she's not in fact, the one that you are looking for.
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