Reason 87: The Two Sided Coin

i've spent a lot of time avoiding this reason. i've spent even more trying to somehow justify everything that has happened since. some time ago, back when i was in college, a girl told me she expected to find her husband in college. i being young and slightly immature, and most definitely thinking with my nieve  thought this notion was crazy, but sure enough nearly a third of my friends had married their college girlfriends within three years out of school. one of my best friends (tyler) got married on the three year anniversary of the last time i talked to my college girlfriend (don't ask me why i know that). In any case, at Tyler's wedding I was asked to make a speech, a task that daunted me and to this day I'm not quite sure how I pulled it off considering I am about as capable of public speaking as Tyler was of staying with a woman for more than three months previous to Stephanie. 

Two days before the wedding I was completely stumped as to what to say about this couple who I had known for so much of my young life. I told Tyler I didn't want to do the speech, that I had no idea what I wanted to say, and that I was extremely worried I might divulge hidden secrets of the relationship that only I, Tyler's confidante, and a select female equivalents of myself on Stephanie's side probably knew. I envisioned myself standing up at the banquet table, nervous as piss,sweating from every pore, and accidentally spewing that Steph and Tyler had a threesome with a lesbian anthropology major. Or, even worse, that Steph had cheated on Tyler some years ago when the two were on the rocks. I could see myself being thrown to the lions of the proverbial wedding. Cousins staring, Uncles saying what an ass I was, and Susan from accounting at Steph's office saying that  " it's no wonder Christie left me." Tyler, the steady son of a bitch, looked me in the eyes and said " Just talk about the first thing you thought when I told you I was going to be married." I swear to God this man should've been a General, but he makes a fine editor.

Truthfully, the first thing I thought when Tyler told me that him and Steph were to be wed was that I couldn't believe this asshole was going to be married before me. His entire life has been spent fucking like he was training for an Olympic event, and yet somehow he landed the dream girl at 22. Somehow this woman who cared for him and built her life around his after following little to no evidence that he would give a shit after the immediate fun of doggy style sex had worn off ended up being his dream girl, and ended up being his wife, and ended up being the one person in the world who could tame the wild beast that was Tyler. 

After these immediate and ill advised feelings of jealousy subsided, I had a clarifying moment, and I realized that these two were meant to be together.Tyler had fallen into a 2 sided system that differentiated themselves at a potent moment: The moment when you decide whether or not the first woman you fall in love with is going to be the woman you marry.

Tyler had decided yes, and I had "decided" no. (but more on that later).

In any case, this is, after careful reviewing of the wedding footage, my speech at Tyler and Steph's wedding:

" Friends and family, co-workers and cousins, Uncle Lenny, "Lay off the champagne!" I'm just joking...anyways. Today we witnessed two amazing people brought together under the most amazing circumstances: marriage. I've known Tyler since college, and I remember a time when this guy said he never wanted to get married. Then a girl named Stephanie walked into his life, and he said "dude, if I ever get married shoot me in the face."  To this I said..."Well...Tyler...I unfortunately don't have a gun."  And the truth of the matter is, I could've gone down to the Walmart, I could've filled out the appropriate paperwork, I could've waited the legal 4-6 weeks, and I could've shot Tyler right in the face! ...But I didnt! and that's because even when Stephanie was out at 2 am while Tyler was in my room throwing a fit because God knows what she was doing....ehhh...I didn't do that because I knew Tyler loved Stephanie. With all his heart. She was and is his only love. Cheers"

I am a god damn idiot. 

I should've never given this speech, I should've just sat quietly in a corner and let a slew of people who know nothing about Stephanie or Tyler make speeches that would ultimately mean nothing, and I should've invited Rachel. 

Reason 502: Winter

I am a 25 year old single man who has been recently dumped, I guess I can't exactly claim to be a relationship expert. Despite this, I have learned a few things, and I can't stress this one enough. It is a bare bones essential for any human living in the upper Western hemisphere to understand.

Winter Relationships are doomed.

For those of you who are reading this who live east of Salt Lake City and north of Nashville, take my advice. Take the months of November through March as a yearly "free-pass" card and do what you will with it, but for the love of god don't fall in love. It just ain't gonna work out. I spent two years in undergraduate school in Chicago before I eventually dropped out, and during this time I realized that A) I was never meant to live in a wintery city, and B) winter will trick/fuck you into falling in love.
I know this sounds silly, but there have been serious and well-funded studies into the behavioral impact weather has on mood, and I back it all 100 percent. I found myself a 24 year old unemployed student living near alone in the 3rd biggest city in the country in a studio apartment, single during the holidays. Under those types of situations,the suicide notes practically write themselves. You walk around all day in a freezing tundra, the likes of which any reasonable human would immediately about face in, except for the fact that you are only out in it because you are trying to find a job that allows you the monetary flow to turn the thermostat up slightly higher than the conditions you bared to turn up that thermostat in the first place. And even when you do turn up that thermostat to a glorious 65 degrees, you are on pins and needles hoping that Peoples Gas (in their infinite wisdom) will allow you to afford their services and that 10-pack of Ramen.
Sorry, I'm rambling. The long and short of it is, when you're young and broke and in a major city that is cold as shit five months out of the year you're bound to make some bad decisions. Walking to ComEd to pay the bill is a ridiculous proposition,so YES! I will pay the 4.95 "convenience fee." You find yourself struggling to make it three blocks out to the bar, Hell you find yourself struggling to make it three blocks to get to Dominicks for bread,milk,and Campbells. Best friends are getting married out in the suburbs yet the very idea of putting on a jacket much less the suit that would make you appropriately dressed sounds awful! Suddenly you remember the reason why you thought that "not working" fireplace that came with your studio was such a catch,and the next thing you know the first woman you can somehow talk into coming home with you is the gal you're going to hibernate with for the next 4 months. No one wants to go home cold and alone for the most part, so best just to not go out at all and stay warm in bed with this woman who also happens to have a stable body temperature of 98.6 degrees. Believe me, meet women in the summer when all of your internal organs aren't threatened with frost-bite and swine flu. You just can't trust a winter relationship, because it is based far too much in safety. Safety of home and warmth and the fact that only the madman would search for the love of his life in -2 wind chill conditions.